Walking Wounded.

Walking Wounded

I heard this song on the radio this morning. “Warrior” by Hannah Kerr. She encouraged all of us to think of ourselves as warriors. Truth be told, today I feel worthless. Yesterday many of my students did poorly on an exam. Yesterday my friend got bad news regarding her health. Then all of the sudden, I felt this weight land on my shoulders. 

See a little over 3 weeks ago my best friend died. It was out of the ordinary. It was unexpected.  She and I had coffee earlier that day. Later her husband called to tell me she passed away. I did not believe him. I don’t think I believed him until I went to the funeral and they closed the casket, with her inside. 

I haven’t been to our Starbucks since she passed away.  Lisa was my person. It wasn’t real until I told her. Since she’s not here to tell, how can her death be real. 

Anyhow, I dealt with her death the way I deal with everything else, I just did the next thing.  I went into caregiving mode and tried to make sure the needs of the family she left behind was cared for. They were a wreck, still are actually. I had them down for dinner. Stopped over and told them food. Talked them through the laundry. I did what I could to help them heal. All the while, ignoring my own loss.  

Half way through the month, one of my mentors/friends died. She’d been sick for s long time. She. Didn’t want a viewing just a funeral. We knew she’d been ill and expected her to die. It wasn’t a shock, yet I still felt the loss.

I’ve been doing this book, 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs. The other days assignment was to send a card to someone who has been influential in your life and thank them for the influence.   The first people I thought of were the people I had just lost. Again a crushing weight landed on my shoulders.

My other great friend has been battling cancer and recently was hospitalized to receive the port for her chemo. When this happened they found another mass in her right lung and that the nodule from before had grown. She was expecting to be home yesterday. When I messaged her to see how she was, she simply said the news wasn’t good and she couldn’t talk now. 

That brings me to this morning, when I went to get Kleenex from the nurse. I stopped by guidance to mention something to them about a student, the counselor asked “Did you come into cry?” All of the sudden, that’s all I could think of doing. Next thing I know that’s all I can do. I’m overwhelmed with grief and loss.  Thankfully I work with great people, who supported me and understood I needed to cry it out. The covered my classes so I could go home and cry.

Last night I was chatting with one of my friends. She said something like, “It’s ok to be normal and it’s ok to say no.” She also said that I listen to every one else’s problems, but don’t have anyone listening to mine. She assured me she’s willing to listen and that she’s praying for me.  We all need to be heard.  Lisa always listened to me. I miss her. 

That’s why I feel like the walking wounded. I’m up, moving, walking, talking and encouraging. Inside, I wish someone would just look at me and ask if I’m really ok. I wish someone would ask and have the time to listen to my answer.  At the same time, I don’t want to take up other people’s time with my problems, I know people have enough problems of their own.  But then I think , how many people are also walking wounded right around me.  

Life is Hard

Life is Hard
Weigh Down Workshop
Twenty one years ago, I moved to Maryland. I knew no one. I had done the same thing three years prior when I moved to Louisiana. It was fun. I knew I was supposed to be in both places. I knew I was obeying God’s direction in my life.

Not long after I arrived in Maryland, the church I attend offered a weight loss seminar call the Weigh Down Workshop. After talking with the leader, I decided to attend. It was a small group that consisted of folks from various local churches. All of us overweight. All of us Christians. All of us willing to try to lose weight using this new technique. I looked at the group and saw friends. That was 20+ years ago. I’m still friends with only one person from this group. She became my best friend. Her name was Lisa Mele.
Over the years, Lisa and I would do various things together. We started by walking the track at the high school. Remember we met at a weight loss group. Her son was a baby. She would push the stroller and we’d lap the football field. We’d talk about the weight loss strategies and how it connected to the Bible. Or we’d talk about scriptures we read that week. Or just share crazy or silly things that happened to us.
We started going to Women of Faith weekends. They used to always be in DC. We had so much fun together there. The last one we attended a few years back we decided to stay in Silver Springs and take the train in. We were staying only a couple blacks away from the train station so we walked over to the station. Crammed in the train and we were on our way. After the event, we piled into the train, it was packed! We had to stand. When the train started, Lisa wasn’t holding on and fell into the guys behind us. Needless to say she was embarrassed. We disembark the train and realize we never should have walked. It’s hot! It’s dark! We’re alone! We start walking and Lisa says, “Did you call Dave and tell him we are on the way?” Confused and befuddled I said no and she urged me to call him and tell him we were on the way back. So I did. He was confused too. Turns out Lisa thought we were being followed and had seen on Oprah that this was a safety strategy to fend off attackers.
We started reading books together. One of them was the Yada Yada Prayer Group. Crazy stuff starting happening. One night we were out for Ladies Night with Maple View together. We had just dropped off Barb and we’re about to turn on route 7 when the side door of the van opened and a woman jumped in and told us to take her home. So we did. She lived behind Giant, needless to say we were a bit anxious. Yet God provided. We made it there and back safely. Of course we drove the entire way with our windows down in case the lady decided to attack us. Afterwards we talked about how its  was just like in the book.
We went to a Beth Moore conferences. Once we even went to a Joyce Meyers conference, where well intentioned women tried to get us to speak in tongues. God Bless them, I was never more uncomfortable in my life. But Lisa knew what to do, she prayed quietly, then just hugged the women praying over her.
Lisa always knew what to do. She was my go to for, “is this appropriate?” Or “how long can chicken sit out before you throw it away?” “Is it ok, to wear pants to a wedding?” “Can I wear sneakers at my wedding?”
I miss you my friend.