Walking Wounded.

Walking Wounded

I heard this song on the radio this morning. “Warrior” by Hannah Kerr. She encouraged all of us to think of ourselves as warriors. Truth be told, today I feel worthless. Yesterday many of my students did poorly on an exam. Yesterday my friend got bad news regarding her health. Then all of the sudden, I felt this weight land on my shoulders. 

See a little over 3 weeks ago my best friend died. It was out of the ordinary. It was unexpected.  She and I had coffee earlier that day. Later her husband called to tell me she passed away. I did not believe him. I don’t think I believed him until I went to the funeral and they closed the casket, with her inside. 

I haven’t been to our Starbucks since she passed away.  Lisa was my person. It wasn’t real until I told her. Since she’s not here to tell, how can her death be real. 

Anyhow, I dealt with her death the way I deal with everything else, I just did the next thing.  I went into caregiving mode and tried to make sure the needs of the family she left behind was cared for. They were a wreck, still are actually. I had them down for dinner. Stopped over and told them food. Talked them through the laundry. I did what I could to help them heal. All the while, ignoring my own loss.  

Half way through the month, one of my mentors/friends died. She’d been sick for s long time. She. Didn’t want a viewing just a funeral. We knew she’d been ill and expected her to die. It wasn’t a shock, yet I still felt the loss.

I’ve been doing this book, 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs. The other days assignment was to send a card to someone who has been influential in your life and thank them for the influence.   The first people I thought of were the people I had just lost. Again a crushing weight landed on my shoulders.

My other great friend has been battling cancer and recently was hospitalized to receive the port for her chemo. When this happened they found another mass in her right lung and that the nodule from before had grown. She was expecting to be home yesterday. When I messaged her to see how she was, she simply said the news wasn’t good and she couldn’t talk now. 

That brings me to this morning, when I went to get Kleenex from the nurse. I stopped by guidance to mention something to them about a student, the counselor asked “Did you come into cry?” All of the sudden, that’s all I could think of doing. Next thing I know that’s all I can do. I’m overwhelmed with grief and loss.  Thankfully I work with great people, who supported me and understood I needed to cry it out. The covered my classes so I could go home and cry.

Last night I was chatting with one of my friends. She said something like, “It’s ok to be normal and it’s ok to say no.” She also said that I listen to every one else’s problems, but don’t have anyone listening to mine. She assured me she’s willing to listen and that she’s praying for me.  We all need to be heard.  Lisa always listened to me. I miss her. 

That’s why I feel like the walking wounded. I’m up, moving, walking, talking and encouraging. Inside, I wish someone would just look at me and ask if I’m really ok. I wish someone would ask and have the time to listen to my answer.  At the same time, I don’t want to take up other people’s time with my problems, I know people have enough problems of their own.  But then I think , how many people are also walking wounded right around me.